It is likely that you have been told by some—if not most—of those guiding you in recovery that your wife needs to “stay on her side of the street.” (This was a quote used in a recent movie about sex addiction, referring to a popular belief about what recovery should look like for a couple.) Now, think about how many guys you hear in your recovery group say, “I am doing everything right, I am going to meetings, therapy, staying sober, but she is still angry! How frustrating it must be to be working so hard and go home to someone who may yell, throw things, blame, and not even trust that you are doing what you say you are doing. This is the best way you can love her and if she can’t see that she is being selfish. There is no doubt your wife had some degree of dysfunction in her past (please find me someone who hasn’t), and this current situation might have brought up some of these issues for her. How do you allow her to be involved while not feeling controlled and remaining in charge of your own recovery? (But know she probably still will and that’s okay.) In my extensive experience working with wives of sex addicts, here are some of the things they want to know and have a right to know: These are just a few examples.
She needs to work her program and let you work yours. ” Considering the unstable state your wife may appear to be in, or the stonewalling you may be having to endure, the advice mentioned above might seem to make a lot of sense. But no matter how you look at it, with rare exception, your actions are the reason she is feeling what she is feeling now. Does she deserve to be told to butt out and wait for you to be ready to be there for her? Your wife can clue you in to what she needs to know.
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I am currently on step four and am finding it to be a struggle, but it is important to me so I am not giving up even though sometimes I feel tempted to.
Fortunately my sponsor is there to talk to me when I am feeling overwhelmed.
But first, here is an example of how you can address some of the above questions: Honey, I have realized that you must feel pretty left out of my recovery.
I know I am gone so much with meetings and therapy and that must be so hard for you after all you have been through.